my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
