He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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