watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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