fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
