if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
