you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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