new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Sober January is a disaster.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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