So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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