Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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