that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
