She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
