I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
