matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
