My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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