So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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