It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Duck Duck Cougar?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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