I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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