after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
