I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
