im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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