a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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