Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
