she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He better not be in your backpack
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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