Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
