"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
