I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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