Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
