They should really pass out barf bags in church
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Randomize
