I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
