she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
