You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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