Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
