he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
