the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
