____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
