I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I booty called her while she was in labor.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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