this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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