I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
