im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
