So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
