you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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