On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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