If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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