So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
