I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
