Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
