fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
