I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
