I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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