soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
