Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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