Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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