I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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