im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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