He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
