there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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