dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
