Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
