Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
