new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
